The Love I Dream is not Meant to Be

"I believed that everything happened for a purpose we don't even know the plan of God for
us. However, people figuring out that everything we did there's a result and consequences either good or bad based on human perceptions and we start judging people based on results. But, what is happening to me I consider it's a part of God's plan I am just an instrument to fulfill that plan to make everything justifying in the end.

All of us feel love, this is a natural feeling and the most powerful emotion a person can have but most of us define love in different ways and in different aspects.

Does it difficult to find love? Does it easy to understand your feelings? Questions that raises everybody about what love really is? In my thought, it is easy to find love, feel and understand it, yet I realized that it’s not easy at all and I even couldn’t understand how and why there’s a broken pieces of my heart lying everywhere that until now I’m trying to mend it all together. It’s difficult… taking it slowly. Somehow, someday for sure I will get to mend it. The broken heart will become whole, pure and ready to bloom again.

The love I dream is not meant to be... hmmm... this is my love story... Looking back to the years 1993, when I had met a man of my dream, for me he was perfect, he was the man I am looking for to share and build my future. I felt also that he likes me and love for who I am. He was courting me and we became as one. Everything then was perfect, a very happy couple. I am so happy and content. 

We even more happier when we knew that the love we shared together was starting to bloom in my womb. Yes!!! I got pregnant, that was year 1995. Our fruit of love is Angelica, my one and only angel that made me strong and brave enough to face any challenges I meet in this world. I am so happy, the best feeling I've ever had in my life. 

I thought, there was no problem that will struck in our relationship, definitely I was so wrong. The perfect man I know had a hidden behavior, his true colors came out after years of togetherness. I was once a battered wife. It was so painful reality but I need to stay for the sake of my daughter and I don't want to have a broken family. I suffered too much! The torment that I had was indescribable. However, I was not brave enough to accept the fact of being broken. I played as a martyr.

We all do have a good job. I was a supervisor in an Electronics Company and he is an Army official. Our life continued as a normal couple. In an outside we were happy but what they didn't know, I'm just wearing a mask of smile.

Every time, I was late coming home, he hit me, he couldn't control his temper

that sometimes he almost killed me. He was a jealous man which I knew jealousy controls his misconduct. It was difficult to believe but I was living it! My body and mind became numb for receiving his treatment like this over and over and over again.

It was difficult to decide but I had to, whether to stay in agony or free from it. One day, I opened up and stand my point to break the relationship because I had too much. Aside from being abusive, he also had another woman. The truth I couldn't take. However, I couldn't moved out because of my baby. He was using the innocent Angel to hook my neck. 

He was asking for another chance with a promise to change his behavior and be loving once again. At that point, who I am? not to accept the father of my child. As an army, he was assigned faraway from us. I knew that he loves me but the deepest part of my heart, there was a question and I am not sure if my love for him was still there. I thought, the love was gone for good.

I taught myself to be brave and strong enough to pursue life for my daughter. It was so difficult. At first, he went home but most likely he did not changed. He always on his phone and hid it away from me. It seems like he was hiding for something and worried I might read whatever was on his phone. What he doesn't know, I already read them when he came home drunk. I knew he had a girlfriend from the place he was assigned. I did not complain at all. I just focused my time to my work, house and my daughter. 

Our set up was like that until Angelica grow. Then, I decided to work abroad, to move on that was year 2010. At first, my man and I had communication but I find out more misbehaviour of him. I told him that I have to break the relationship so I can move on and find a better man that is really for me. He did not helped me financially to raise our daughter. He was irresponsible, because of that, I told myself there was no chance of getting together again.

I really tried to close the chapter by accepting a new boyfriend. I met him in Facebook. For sure somebody will say, What? Believe me or not when people always have communication, feelings and relationship will bloom and that's what I feel. Our relationship lasted for four years but decided to end it up. This was because I feel I am not secured for my future.

At this point, the father of my daughter had called and asking for forgiveness, we have to forgive and forget the past and moving on. He told me, he doesn't care anymore even if I'm going to get marry with someone else. Then, what's next? He was looking at some pictures and comments that were displayed on my Facebook page with my ex-bf, then blocked me afterwards.

He then sent messages to our daughter, saying he was hurt by reading those messages. OMG... there he goes again, instead of clarifyng the issues between me and him, he just made a conclusion without saying anything.

Well, there is a big problem here it's called "communication". If he only tried to talk about it, I can surely clarify for him. What can I do? I have to move on, everything happens for a reason and for the fact that, the love I dream is not meant to be...